Hello, my friends, Cindy here…
Ever since the book, “Where the Crawdads Sing” came out, people were buzzing about how great a book it was, but it has taken me this long to finally read it. I realize now that there was a reason it never seemed to cross my reading path, I simply was not ready.
For those who have not read the book, or seen the movie on Netflix, it is the story of a girl who lives alone in the marshes. When a prominent person in the town nearby is found dead, it is the Marsh Girl who is accused. Within the first few pages, you read of the squalor that she and her family lives in and, one by one, her family leaves her to escape the abusive father. Her brothers, sisters, and her mother leave her behind at five years old. The story grabbed me immediately and viscerally and even now, as I write this, I can feel a weight on my chest making it hard to breathe and tears are threatening to start again.
I tapped into all of the emotions of this girl. Abandoned, left behind, no money, abused, hiding from people, ridiculed by those who don’t know her, secrets too shameful to speak out loud. My own experience of those emotions started percolating and, even though I finished the book in a few days, it stayed with me and triggered me into a healing of old, familiar wounds that have been the background noise for this entire lifetime. I had not even realized the layers of pain that I had stuffed down, rationalized away, and did my best to ignore. My shame, my self loathing and self rejection, my abandonment, my feelings of lack of (fill in the blank), they all started bubbling up and spilling over in unexpected ways. It was time. Time to face these fears, take that hard look and sift through that jumble of feelings to make sense of them, come to understand their genesis and their impact on my life. It was time. Time to surrender and heal these fears.
And so, what began as a typical morning conversation with my husband, turned into a major karmic enlightenment. I am so grateful and blessed to have “daily therapy sessions” with my big brother, David, and Kord, Mary and The Four. They help me to sort out my thoughts and feelings when I cannot even begin to identify what it is I am feeling. I am too overwhelmed and just want to hide away again and cry out to make it stop. With their very gentle and loving manner, they helped me to examine those fears and to finally surrender them, which is what this post describes. Interesting to me is that I was compelled to transcribe this conversation, to be able to “hear” what they had just said to me. During the conversation, I was so inside my own head and my resistance was growing such that I couldn’t hear their message as they were speaking it to me.
Now, they are en-couraging me to share the transcription of that healing with you. It has taken a couple of weeks for me to settle down to write this (and gain the courage to speak my “secrets” out loud), mostly because my thoughts still feel jumbled and more understanding and clarity is still coming in. There is some “distance” now and I feel I can speak about it without reliving it (mostly). I feel calmer and the storm has passed. I can look at those fears and they don’t hit me in my solar plexus with the same impact. I am only mildly nervous about exposing my “secrets” to you, but I am willing to do that if it may serve you love and courage to face your own fears. There is peace on the other side, I can attest to that.
This writing, Resistance to Financial Abundance, is the transcript of the beginning of my healing experience through the loving, patient guidance of my husband and The Four. There is more to be understood and surrendered, but this was the beginning.
Peace and love,
Cindy
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Scott and I had a discussion about David Hawkins’ book, Letting Go, and the chapter on wealth and relationship to money. Listening back to this conversation, I hear my resistance to financial abundance in my tone. Hawkins talks about how we identify with wealth and letting go of our emotional responses to wealth.
Scott: I don’t know, honey, for me [surrender, letting go] is a skill I had to acquire and still working at it for a while. It comes easier and easier, but I would say start with the desire and intention. You have a tendency to dig your heels in at times.
Cindy: What do you mean I dig my heels in?
S: I don’t know how to describe it. There’s a resistance sometimes.
C: To…..
S: I think it is fear-based.
C: To receiving money?
S: Yeah. I don’t mean to offend you but it kind of feels as if that “destitute stuff” creates this fear (Scott refers to a lifetime in which I was destitute, imprisoned and David and The Four have shown me that echoes from that lifetime have created a conditioning pattern around lack that still plays out in my life.) and somehow that holds you back from true letting go. And the more you stay in that fear, the more it constricts the flow of money to us.
C: I guess I just don’t feel the inflow.
S: We have much. Perhaps not as much as others, but we are nowhere near destitute. We still have money flowing in. It would be nice if it was flowing in more, but it’s not as if we’re sitting on the edge of the street.
C: No, but …
S: See, there is the ‘but”
C: …bills still have to be paid. The thing is that I’m the one who pays the bills and I see the funds dwindling and I don’t see the revenue …
S: Because you’re not trusting the process. You’re not trusting that it will come. You say, “Revenue is not coming. Revenue is not coming” as opposed to being open to it and letting it flow to you in the manner that is best going to serve us. I understand it. I try to limit my spending – other than the project of the Center – as much as possible.
C: Then there’s that too! My shit affects you!
S: It does. It has for our whole marriage. The Guides were saying this morning, I didn’t even realize this, part of my workaholism was because I was unconsciously, as an empath, taking on your fear so I had to work really hard to help you sate that fear. I never had money issues, not until I met you. I never felt financial insecurity in any way, shape or form. But since we have been married, I’ve been experiencing it for 35 years. I took it on and made it my own and didn’t even realize it until recently. That’s the point that Guidance made this morning quite clearly. I’m not blaming you for it. It is part of my own path and my own seeking, having to come to some self-understanding. I did it completely unconsciously. I remember your mom asking me “Why do you work so hard?” I didn’t have a good answer except that I felt that I needed to. But the financial fear of abundance. I don’t regret it, but …
C: It is there.
S: Yes. It does create a certain level of frustration. I don’t hold it against you or judge you for it. I love you and it is part of the package, but it is a presence that I never had until we got together. There was always that feeling of financial lack there and I had never experienced that until then.
C: Well, you used to handle the bill paying and …
S: It was difficult.
C: …it was difficult because it seems I “rob Peter to pay Paul”, pull from all these different places to make ends meet and that’s just how I was raised. My parents didn’t have a lot of money.
S: My parents didn’t either, but I never felt that same vibration. They never made a whole lot of money their whole lives. They made it work.
C: We’ve made it work over the years, too. I think part of what it is is that I have a limited view of what I have to earn. I have to “earn it”.
S: Let’s figure out your fear of lacking, your fear of not having…
C: It’s always present, to some degree. It’s always present and even when I’m feeling good, it’s there.
S: I understand. I feel it in you all the time.
C: Yeah, it’s always there.
S: Lately, it is becoming more apparent that I’m separating from it and seeing it more clearly. Just like I carried my dad’s stuff for so many years, you know? He projected it onto me and I carried part of that with you. I’m starting to see the separation there. And again, I’m not judging you or criticizing you, I’m just seeing it more clearly for what it is and my attachment to that fear. But if I was paying the bills, I might feel quite differently. I acknowledge that.
C: I don’t like to have any debt. Granted our bills are simple and we don’t have much on our credit card, but we have some! I feel like I have to get that under control and that maybe we spend more than we are bringing in.
Scott/The Four: Let’s change that. I know a lot of the swim kids use the word “can’t”. I say to them, “If you say I can’t, then you’re right.” That’s the thought that creates that reality. That’s the vibration you put forward, when you say “I can’t”, you’re right then. You can’t because you just used that thought to make that happen. So the kids have replaced it with “it is just a challenge that I have yet to overcome, but I intend to.” As soon as you say you can’t, you shut the door on any possibility of “can”. It is a challenge I have yet to overcome, but I intend to. Certainly you acknowledge the issue, but you’re also giving a positive way forward and you’re also saying “I intend to do it” and taking some control over it, too. It’s not controlling you; you’re controlling it at that point. It’s a vibrational shift. It’s a perspective shift. The power of intention comes through and manifests that which you intend, which you desire. That’s half me and half Them.
C: I know I have that vibration of closing off, time to tighten the belt, have to save up for this big bill coming up, it’s fucking exhausting. But I need to be at my desk or working more. I’m feeling that compulsion to keep that revenue engine running, pound the pavement, come up with new, innovative ways to generate that revenue.
S/4: Do that with love, without fear. Whatever you do, light or dark, you still bring love to that moment. Every moment in front of us is an opportunity to extend love into it, and not fear. And when that vibration shifts, then surrender that fear – or think of it as replacing it, maybe that will help you manage it a little bit. Replace that fear with love. That’s how you surrender it. Everyone has a different process. For me, it’s a heart …, I just relax into it, I guess. Open up and whatever comes in for the highest good, that is what I desire, and allow that to happen. That is how the channeling has improved for me. Surrender with trust. When you try to surrender with fear, then you create constriction and that stops you. So make that desire, that intention to change into trust. It is not an overnight shift, but it is a movement to a final place of acceptance and trust. As we were saying the other day, you don’t know exactly how it’s going to come, but because you are in the loving, curious, aware state and you’re open and flexible, then what comes you work with it and manifest to a higher degree. But as soon as you put a limit on it “I want to do exactly this” or have this outcome, then that again constricts it.
C: Right.
S/4: So by being open, then you allow whatever is best for you to come to you and a lot of times, it is outside of what your perception, thought or awareness might be. So if you say, “I will only accept what comes to me in this manner” then you can have another manner that you hadn’t thought of that may serve you but if you say, “I only want it from this perspective” then you miss that opportunity. And that is constriction again.
C: It’s true that I see that as the only avenue that is open.
S/4: …currently. Again, that’s constriction.
C: It’s like what David Hawkins says, it is more about the feelings about money or what money means to us. It means security and I really feel insecure, financially insecure, for all the projects and things we want to do. So there’s that. There’s also a self-worth issue. I look around at my siblings and they all grew up in the same house that I did and yet they all seem to flow with abundance. I feel like I am not able to do that.
S/4: So, reflect on that. What is that issue saying to you? What is that fear saying to you? What does that mean?
C: I’m not good enough and I don’t deserve it. That’s what it says. Money is evil. Too much money causes people to do all sorts of mean things.
S/4: Money is not evil. It is how it is used or not used. Money in itself is not evil, it’s how you choose to use it. It’s funny, there are people who are wealthy and don’t use it in a malicious way. Of course, the ones that do grab our attention, just like everything else in the media. If it bleeds, it leads. People may do plenty of kind things, but that is not going to sell papers and people don’t care about it. They care about the cruelty and pain bodies and that warps your perception around that. But money in itself is not more evil than anything else, just how do humans use that, what manner do they use it?
So Hawkins talks about it and Jeshua talks about it too. We are here to experience life. You are not here to be constricted, you’re not here to be miserable all the time. You’re here to surrender that misery and live in abundance and live in joy. And why not? You’re not identifying your self worth by what you own, but you are allowing what you own to add to your enjoyment of your life. And that is not a negative thing. That is not using it. The more you enjoy your life, the more you stand in and embody love, the more you transmit that to others. The more the people in your auric fields, energy field, the more they feel that vibration, the more they breathe and relax into it. So when people come to your house, yes, you have abundance, but it’s all to serve love, to create pleasant experiences. So, if it’s there to create love, it’s there to create experience, it’s there to create a level of comfort and ease that brings people at ease, how is having abundance negative? It’s how you perceive it, how you use it going forward.
So the fear is showing you a self-limiting belief, all that is is a thought pattern, a conditioning pattern, if you will. Going back to the elephant metaphor, you can simply let go of that. But like the elephant that believes it is tied to the stake; you believe you are staked to the ground by this experience. It is not the case! You have the need and ability to move past it, but you are letting your belief hold you back. So it is also coming back to self-love and trust in yourself. And if the All is the One, why don’t you deserve it?
C: That is what I’ve been asking myself all my life? Why not me? I never really understood. And this is an interesting thing, it’s always been there for me, in this life. I remember back to “I can’t go to the penny candy store, because I shouldn’t spend the money. I have to count it. I have to make sure it is growing.” There was always this feeling of ….
S/4: Lack.
C: …lack.
S/4: Once again, it’s just a creation.
C: That is where our family was. I seem to be the only one who carries that.
S/4: It’s burdensome.
C: I know it is.
S/4: It’s burdensome on Scott, too.
C: I know it is and I’m sorry.
S/4: He’s not judging you or criticizing you.
C: I know, but I’m still sorry. I don’t know what else to do.
S/4: You could say, “Fuck it”.
C: I say “Fuck it” plenty, but it keeps rearing it’s head. It’s always playing in the background, the echo as life’s bills come up.
S/4: And it impedes your ability to enjoy what you do purchase. There’s fear and shame around it, “I bought this. I really don’t deserve it. I shouldn’t have spent the money.” Therefore, you don’t enjoy it as much.
C: Yes. So, on top of the fear of not having enough money, there’s the fear of having too much money. Or having so much that I …
S: (chuckles): They’re laughing.
C: I know. It’s ridiculous!
S/4: They’re saying, if you ever feel you have too much, then give it away.
C: I do. I will. If I have it in my purse, I’ll give it away.
S/4: Again, hold self-love. Give it away, but don’t give it at your own self-detriment.
C: And when I do give it away, I don’t feel like it is to my detriment.
S/4: Then you feel like you don’t have enough money because you just gave some of it away.
C: Right. Then I sit down at my bills and feel like I need to make more money.
S: Then do that. You have the capability to do that. If that is what you truly want, then allow that to happen. You have the skill, you have the capability. So the question is “Why am I allowing this fear to hold me back? Why am I allowing this fear to impede on our true happiness, our ability to enjoy life? The fear is not serving you. In a manner of speaking, it is also bringing the light upon the issues so that you can look at it, examine it, figure it out, surrender it with love. So now, you will have the ability to have the fear come up to where you can acknowledge it and not respond to it unconsciously, in a knee jerk reaction. Now you have a greater awareness of the fear, of why it’s there, and you move to understand it. You can see the lessons it brings if you ask, what is the fear saying? When you go through that process, and you can surrender it, have gratitude for it and you let that fear go with love. It served you to bring you to a point of understanding and happiness as you surrender your fear. You examined it, you saw how it didn’t work for you any longer, how you had carried it unconsciously and how it impacted you and now you can see that you no longer need to do that. So the fear brought you to that point of awareness, it just became more and more of an irritant to where you were forced to look at it and deeply examine. For years, you carried it unconsciously and now you are aware of it and why you’re doing it, or you’re stepping into greater understanding of why you’re doing it. The more you understand it, the less you’re going to judge it, the more you’re going to surrender to it, the more you have no need to carry it any longer and the more that you can step into abundance. Again, it goes back to the trust issue: I am love. I will attract love in an unconditional manner. It may come to me in a way that I cannot foresee, but I am going to be aware, nimble and curious about it and when it comes, because I am open to all possibilities of love coming into my life, I can see it, recognize it and bring it into my own. Do you see our point? You have resistance to it.
C: I hear what you are saying, but I just… From my own experience, practically…
S: From your own conditioning pattern, let’s say…
C: Okay, from my conditioning patterns…
S: See, there you’re already taking ownership of it, calling it “my conditioning patterns that I carry”. See the difference? Now, you’re taking responsibility for your emotions. You’re not putting them off. Now, it’s more directly in front of you. The ego wants to solve everything on the periphery of life, by taking ownership of it, by saying “this is my conditioning pattern. I’m responsible for all my emotions. I’m responsible for all that goes inside my body, all my thoughts, all my actions, I’m responsible for.” When you can say that, when you can take ownership of it, then, because you’re not asking someone else to carry it for you, then you can surrender it more completely. You have a deeper understanding of it when you own it, when you make it yours. When you get to experience it, then you see how it’s not serving you and you see it simply as the form and structure fabric of life and you are what observes all that. You are not that. And then you can move more to surrender and manifest what serves you. So whenever you have that fear come up, own it. Know it is a result of your conditioning patterns, of your thought processes that issue patterns limits, puts constriction on.
C: It boils down to shame again, I think. There’s a lot of shame that I carry. Yeah. Sometimes I feel as though I’m in hiding from everyone. I am that little girl again, hiding under the basement stairs, afraid of being found out, that I did something…that they’re going to shame me about. I feel ashamed of my behavior.
S: Well, that’s on them, isn’t it? And you’re accepting that parenting vibration. Replace it with your own parenting vibration. Parent that little girl the way that best serves her and you, and not the conditioning patterns and perceptions of others. You see our point? It’s time to be your own best parent, dear sister. Be your own best parent. Parent with the love that you are, the love that you understand, the unconditional God nature that is within your heart. It is time. You can do this.
C: Help me, please. Help me. I don’t know how to do this?
S: You know how to love. Time to love your self. Turn that love on your own heart, on that little girl. Love her as you would any other child, as you love your own children, as you love the neighbors’ children, as you love any child in fear. When you see a young child in fear, you see it on their face, your first instinct is to reach out. Why not reach out to little Cynthia in the same way? See the beauty and elegance in that? You can do it.
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C: There’s a bit more to the recording, but it is mostly of me sobbing and blowing my nose. You get the gist. New understandings, greater clarity, kept coming for days afterwards. Now, the clouds have moved aside so I could feel the sun again. I could hear the message of The Four again. I’ve included the writing from the next session that was very helpful to me and that they may be helpful to you. That is our wish, our desire, our intention. This is a message for all of us, “Dear Souls and Dear Friends,” with love from The Four.
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Good Morning Dear Souls, Dear Friends of love and light, with love and light becoming more and more your experiences,
As you step away from love from time to time, as humans do, as we come here to do, this act becomes more and more jarring and you find a desire to remain in love alignment more and more often. When the ego rises in fear and judgment, the pain you feel is deeper. Pain you would not have felt in the days when you were not aware that we/you are love based beings having physical experiences. In your numbness, there was often a sense of blindness or lack of understanding and this caused you to judge yourselves and others quite harshly. You were not aware of this harshness for you were ignorant of the love that you are. You judged others as harshly as you could, for you were committed to judging, right or wrong, good or bad, light or dark, up or down, etc. Everything was a comparison as a way of bringing meaning and order to your lives. But, this was to serve your ego and not your heart.
As you release this need, this desire to judge to find your place in the world, you find you have no real need to find your selves in the world by means of comparison. Knowing we are all love and we come for many different experiences, rich one lifetime, poor the next, a leader one lifetime and a follower the next. You see no need to judge the roles that we play for we have played many, many different roles in the multitude of lifetimes you have had, have experienced and will continue to experience, whether in form and structure or not. Consciousness goes on and never stops, just your form may change, but your awareness of your awareness does not.
The light of your awareness never goes out. Most of what you know and remember may change depending on the role and experience you are choosing to experience. Every act you make is to reconnect you with love, whether the experience is of love or not. For all roads lead us to deeper understanding and acceptance over the experiences of linear time as you understand it in the form and structure experience. Know you are love, no matter the type of experience you are choosing or whether or not you remember this. Listen to your hearts and you will find the clear truth of this. As you move into love alignment, the noise your ego makes in its bragging, boasting based out of fear or the quietness and the meekness borne out of fear matters not, for the silence you bring allows you to hear the whisperings of your hearts and this allows you to see your way home, if this is what you desire. We have free will, remember. You can see the path before you more clearly when one gazes through the eyes of love. You can see where the angels walk and beckon you to join them.
As you walk this path with us, your understanding of yourselves and the hearts of others grows and grows and your acceptance of self and life expands and expands. With this greater and deeper understanding, acceptance is upon you more and more easily and takes less and less effort, for you are listening to your hearts and not your wounded ego. Life flows to you with more and more ease, and contentment becomes a consistent part of your lives. As you drop your need to control life from a perspective of fear, life becomes much more a process of smooth love and less and less one of great effort to meet the jarring needs of one’s ego. With love, you surrender the need for the ego’s desire that does not serve love. Happiness and peace become your true companions when you stop resisting what is in front of you. You see what is in front of you much more clearly. This clarity allows you to see the truth of the moments and how you cannot change this moment. The wounds of our egos become more and more burdensome and you find a desire to lay this burden down. Surrender comes with less and less effort and this brings a sense of grace into your lives. The more you see and understand, the less you judge and the more you see what you do not understand. You withhold judgment for you know one cannot have all the facts all the time. You observe more and more from a neutral position and judge less and less. You accept more and more.
You touch more and more hearts with this approach and you serve the needs of those around you with more and more love. This creates a momentum toward love that flows with more and more force, more and more current if you will. You see this with more and more clarity and the love you stand in becomes more and more permanent. You slip away from love less and less by the clarity of understanding that is before you. Your hearts become light and joyful.
Live this light, live this love. All the love in the universe is for you to experience. David, Kord, Mary and all that the Four is, has been and always will be. Love is constant, it is only the clouds of our misunderstanding that blocks our view of love and light from time to time. Move to understand and you move toward love. You surrender what is not love with more and more consistency and clarity. Enjoy the ride and journey of life more and more with this perspective. Love to All.