Hello All,
A bit of time has passed since our last email, for a number of reasons. A big one is we have been distracted for a while now by the building of a 12 x 20 foot gazebo in our backyard. It’s been a little bit of a “Field of Dreams” kind of experience. Guidance keeps pushing us to put this together—they call it “The Center”—and they tell us there will be a level of high activity there. So far the cement is poured, the structure is erected, we have shades and rugs and we are continuing “feathering the nest” so to speak. Power, lights, ceiling fans and furnishings are on tap.
We will use it for a variety of purposes, but the main one will be to hold sound bath events on a regular basis. Guidance has been telling us there will be a lot of activity in this sacred spot. We’ll post pictures upon completion. It’s been an interesting journey. Please stay tuned.
A bigger reason for this delay is that I went through yet another “dark night of the soul” experience. More like three nights actually. These have been experiences of confronting what the guides call energy blocks, of releasing unhealed trauma that in this case, I wasn’t aware that I was even carrying. The trauma that you can recall and confront is a bit easier to address and I think I have released and healed most of those. As far as I know, anyhow. This was trauma from before I had words or memory. The guides have been speaking of the “trauma of birth experience.” We come from an experience on the other side of the veil, where we are totally secure, totally loved, and feel totally safe. We are immersed in unconditional love. Then we come to this plane of existence where ego-centric experience and vibration is the most common experience, conditional love reigns and is often exhibited as “I will love you as long as you…. make me look good, do as I ask, be who and what I think you should be, etc, etc.
We are extremely hungry for unconditional love and will take any substitute we can, we take praise for our actions, validation of our worth from other’s opinions of us, our material success, flattery, admiration, and so on. We can become workaholics, chasing praise and validation from another. This was behavior I certainly exhibited through my years of hairstyling and much more.
As we separate from the unconditional love before birth and adopt our parent’s ego experience and vibrations, we feel homesick, or an unconscious yearning for the unconditional love that we left behind, or at least the feeling of it. This is traumatic pain we all share. And until we tap into and face this pain, it follows us and we can be “triggered” into an emotional reaction that is not typically love based.
I also have a very emotionally damaged father who endured massive trauma from his father—significantly more than I endured as a child. He joined the Navy at 17 to get away from his home. I arrived shortly after his 20th birthday. I know if I was in his shoes, at his age, I would have certainly felt overburdened by responsibility and resentful and put upon, as I believe my father did. As long as I can remember I was never “mature” enough or “tough” enough for him. He felt he had to make a man out of me by applying strict discipline and this created trauma and resentment with me. I felt less than. I know now, I chose this experience before I came into this world and at this point I have a certain gratitude and peace about it. However, as a young vulnerable infant, this vibration was too heartbreaking to bear and I walled off this pain within myself for survival. Until the last dark night that is. I can only explain the dark night as being highly triggered with no relief. Staying in a high state of agitation, self-judgment, and pain that seems to never end. Dark thoughts can be highly present. But as one can accept and face these feelings of pain, we can move to a point of surrender, self reflection, and understanding. Then, we can begin to release this pain and feel relief as our energy blocks clear. I feel deep compassion for someone who has poor relationships with both their father and their children. I’m very grateful that I have loving relationships with my sons and my heart mourns for my father’s pain. I no longer hold judgment over his behavior and have forgiven him in my heart.
The guides pushed me into this emotional state. Both the dark night and the subsequent surrender of. For the two months before, or perhaps longer, my channeling shifted and they backed away to a large degree. There was still communication, but something felt off. There was something unsatisfactory about the experience. Both Cindy and I noticed this. I felt a certain level of discomfort and unease. I found myself observing others’ pain and their acting out, I understood their egoic pain and still found myself judging them. This judgement is something I don’t usually do and I found it difficult to release. I kept working on what the guides had instructed us to do, surrender, accept, allow, and appreciate. This provided a bit of peace, but the discomfort was still present under the surface of my life and awareness. It slowly built, much like the proverbial frog in the pot of water slowly heating up to boiling. Until a small comment triggered the resulting ”dark night of soul” experience.
The guides later explained that they had to push me to the next point of surrender, until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Until the discomfort got so great the only option became one of surrender. They stepped away from me to a degree that finally triggered the very human feeling and fear of ABANDONMENT. After coming to this realization, I was moved in the direction of surrender and I’ve experienced an expanded feeling of peace and acceptance. In acceptance, we can surrender the struggles and our resistance to life and circumstance and we can live more peacefully. We can accept each moment of the Now for what it is and can choose to express love in these moments. The egoic compulsion to change the moment to one of our likings is released. We do not have the need to force our ego’s will upon the moment.
Now that I’m on the other side of this experience, I understand what the process entailed, why it happened, and what it brought to me in understanding and growth. And I’m grateful for it. My relationship with guidance is clearer, as is the channeling and the topics discussed. The guides speak often of being grateful for both the light and the dark of life. Because the lessons gained in the dark deliver us to the light and we become the love that embraces both experiences of the light and dark of our lives. This is emotional alchemy. This brings us compassion and we can better understand and withhold judgement for those who are lost in the lessons of the dark. We all must come to a point of pain building up until it can no longer be tolerated and then we can surrender when there is really no other option left to us. This process can take lifetimes and we may be observing someone who has more pain to be experienced until they can come to this point of surrender. Again we extend compassion to those who are experiencing deep suffering.
I heard years ago a priest once said that the shortest prayer is saying “Fuck it!” It is for when despair has brought us to a place where we throw our hands up in surrender, we give up, we stop fighting life. I didn’t fully understand then what I’ve come to understand now. This prayer makes perfect sense to me now.
So, in that sense, I say “fuck it.” And that I love you all very deeply.
Scott
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