Hello Dear Friends,
It’s been awhile since the last issue of The Angel’s Path. I could point to a number of reasons that have kept me from this writing. It’s been High School Swim season which is always a busy time coupled with me this season continuing to coach club swim full time and also running my masters workouts three days a week. It’s been a more hectic pace than I would prefer. But all three groups of swimmers are very dear to me and it would be very difficult to pick one to give up. Also the whole Coronavirus issue is taking up a fair amount of space in my head.
But alas, these would not be the real reasons. The real reason is I’ve made a commitment to be more transparent in my lessons in this life. Both learned and yet to be learned and mastered. So after turning the page to the next writings in the chronological order is stuff about my father. Argh, this was going to require more soul searching to express myself honestly and clearly. Our struggles with each other. As mentioned before he and I have never seen eye to eye on pretty much everything. From our ideological viewpoints, to how we express emotion, how we view life. It’s like he’s John Wayne and I’m Yanni. Totally different, yet bound together in this life as father and son. Bound by many lifetimes of karma. Wrestling back and forth.
I have some remembrance of other lifetimes. The most significant one in terms of my father would be one just previous. This is the one where I have the greatest recall of. I was a black blues singer of some talent and local notoriety. I had an ability to drastically affect members of the audience emotionally. I did not become a real star in my era because I was derailed by massive alcohol and drug addictions. The pressure to lead and manage the band was overwhelming. Everything got too big too fast. The difficulty in performing while deeply impaired was heartbreaking and I didn’t know a way out. My father was one of the money managers on my staff and we did not get along. But, I needed him. He was jealous of my talent and angry at how I squandered my gifts and money. I spent carelessly to the detriment of the band. When he would try to reign me in, it often became a situation where I would cuff him around physically. I was a larger man in this incarnation. So I can see and acknowledge that coming into this lifetime, he did have a real reason to be a bit pissed at me.
In my beginning meditations in Sedona. I had an experience of remembrance from being an infant in this lifetime. Way too early for me to ever remember this without some guidance. I was on my back and my father was changing my diaper. I looked up at him with love in my heart and eyes. Looking to extend love energy. What I got back in his clear blue eyes was anger, impatience and resentment. The experience of extending love and receiving pain in return was similar to touching a hot stove. Ouch, not sure I’m going to want to do that again. And so the pattern was set.
I’m sure he had a significant reason to feel the way he did. He had me when he was twenty, he had a significantly difficult childhood where his narcissistic needs were never met. He suffered violence and witnessed things no child should ever have to experience. So who knows what he was feeling or experiencing in that moment. Karma was playing out.
There is a reference to me doing some rhythmic drumming. I was trying to get a complex emotion across to my parents and couldn’t do it with the words I had available at the time. So I instinctively tried to use music in the form of drumming to express myself. My parents had no idea what I was doing.
So there is some backstory which may help you with understanding as I progress within this process. I’m hopeful that the lessons with my father may shine some light on others in your lives that you may struggle with.
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From the Guides
4-20-19
Good Morning Dear One,
Know when someone is bothering you, with the result of your ego rising, it is always an extension of their ego that vibrates at the same frequency as a shadow portion of yourself. When you know this, you can look at the shadow and acknowledge where your ego plays into this response. When recognized and examined, then we can let it go and then you become an impartial observer of the others’ ego and not affected by it. So know that the better response to saying “that person is a jerk”, say instead “I am allowing this person to take me out of my home vibration and why?” When you see the commonality and the shadow is exposed and let go of, then you are truly free. Great joy, wisdom, and the power to make the world just a little bit better can manifest.
Your remembered experience of being young and trying to connect your wishes and desires with rhythm drumming indeed fell on deaf ears and blocked further musical growth and expression. It was a dead-end for you and was part of your karmic contract with yourself and others. Your parents couldn’t hear you because the non-similar vibrations were too far apart. In this certain respect of experience, where they are further down the ladder.
Music for them does not have the richness and emotional connection that it does for you. Music does not vibrate in their soul the way it does for you. Their vibration is still too dense. Do not judge them on this. It is, at this juncture, a higher vibration than they can attain right now. A kindergartner exposed to higher level math cannot be expected to understand such math. As it is with your parents. You were to expose them to a higher vibration existence, but alas they missed it. Unfortunate, but not your responsibility and you have taken it on and, of course, it could not come to fruition because it was not and is not your dharma.
Let go of this self-limiting responsibility and your pain around your parents not having a clue about who you really are will subside. Just love them as much as you can and continue to maintain healthy boundaries. They are coming around to understand that they no longer have any power over you or can push you around, which of course inflames your father’s ego. Just watch him with bemused love and observation and let go of the aspects of your shadow that he represents in some small details and ways. Observing that when his brokenness is most exposed, he behaves the poorest and feel some mourning for his pain and lack of growth opportunity that he has squandered. Sad, but true. Just hold him in the white light of your mind and soul and he will heal over time. Just like it took you multiple lifetimes with the drug and alcohol experiences, so it will be for him with his own narcissistic lessons. Just be patient and loving, at an arm’s length.
We love you and now our combined heart energy will continue to grow and manifest love and God’s will. Enjoy and cherish these wonderful gifts of accepting and embracing the merging of the third and fourth dimensions and dualism of experience. This will allow you to become a more effective, manifested instrument of God’s Will.
See ya real soon!
Great love and heart extended joy,
Guidance
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Scott- One’s own shadow side. Others can see it when we cannot. As it was with me. The patterns of behavior that my parents brought to our family dynamic. How this influences myself and my actions toward others. I’ve spoken of my father’s pain, my mother has had her own to deal with. She has no memory before the age of 12 and I’ve never experienced any person as intentionally cruel and mean-spirited as my grandmother.
It’s quite amazing that my folks have made their relationship work in any manner, knowing the emotional dysfunction they grew up with. They also had me when they were barely 20 years old.
I took on their patterns of behavior, of relating to each other. It did not serve me particularly well in my relationships. Particularly those of an intimate or romantic nature. The behaviors I exhibited were definitely of my shadow. The same patterns of behavior my father exhibited in our family dynamic. I had no understanding of this at the time, of course. However after multiple failed relationships with women, I came to a place of “wow, maybe it is me and my behavior, not just the other person’s issues”. This started me down the path of self discovery and away from the lens of reality that I was viewing the world through. The lens I acquired in my parents’ house growing up. Beginning the process of dealing with my shadow side.
To come to some awareness of my shadow and how it reflects, oh, so similar to my father’s in some respects of behavior and actions. This only took me 50 years or so. I am still in the process of acknowledgement of the shadow I carry within me. To learn to feel the pain of my ego when it feels insulted and to make the decision to turn toward love action and awareness. As opposed to acting out of ego response. Not that I do not do this from time to time. Just a bit less often and I can acknowledge my behavior and apologize for it more readily and sincerely.
I’ve learned to ask my guides for clarity and truth so I may serve the highest good for those In my life that I love, and those yet to be loved.
Cindy- I have observed Scott and his dad’s “dance” for many years. It wasn’t until about four years ago when Scott created some space in their relationship that I came to understand the depth of their pain. Every single day since, Scott has examined his relationship with his father, turning it every which way to understand why. Why was it so difficult to love this man when he had so many other fulfilling relationships in his life. What was his part in this drama? Was there a possibility to resolve their issues and come out on the other side with a loving relationship with his father? What more did he need to do to get to that place? I watched him wrestle with these questions and more. Scott has made a conscious choice to first be self-loving and in that choice, he is finding peace and, yes, love for his dad, unconditionally. He asks nothing and expects nothing.
What it all boils down to is choice, of which there are ultimately only two choices – Love or fear. With every choice we make, we create that reality. We decide, with every action, whether we will love or fear. When you make a fear-based choice, how do you feel? I feel tense and nervous, can’t relax (thanks, David Byrne!). But, oh boy, when I make a love-based choice…I feel light and wonderful and I want more of that!!
Now, during this time of COVID-19, we all will face choices. We can react in fear or we can recognize this as a momentous opportunity to love. This is a sacred moment of increasing awareness on this planet and within that awareness is Love. More on this to come…
PS. The last two verbal sessions we have had has content discussing the virus. We will send this out as soon as we get the transcription finished.
Deep Love and Gratitude,
Cindy and Scott